


John Laurens Finds a Family

by lohn_jaurens



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, John is very sad and lonely, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt, aaron alex and lafayette are all adopted brothers, also i love aaron burr, he really just needs a hug, if you buy john food he will do anything, laf like french pop music, peggy has a weird thing for braiding peoples hair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-13 21:32:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7138070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lohn_jaurens/pseuds/lohn_jaurens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has been lonely for a long time. When he goes to college he finds people who make him feel loved, and he realizes you can choose your family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So i should be finishing up my other Lams fic but i got inspiration for it at like 1am last night and i just had to write it

The ride to New York was brutal for John, the 11 hours car ride with Henry Laurens was filled with nothing but silence and NPR radio. John spent most of the trip staring out of the window at all the passing landmarks, reflecting on how lonely everything felt. He was supposed to be happy, he was finally starting college. He was leaving the bigoted south, leaving the cold wasteland he called home for the last six years.

The early years of his life weren’t as lonely as they were now. They were filled with soccer games, bike rides and birthday parties. Both of his parents were attentive and interested in his life, and the life of his younger sister Martha. They all sat down at the dining room table and ate dinner together almost every night. Sometimes he really missed those dinners. His parents were so in love with each other, and they were in love with their children. John and Martha were the center of their universe.

When he was 12 his mother was late picking him up from soccer practice. John waited and waited, but she never showed up. He was picked up 3 hours late by his grandparents, whose shaky hands and worried glances made Johns stomach do flips. They arrived at the hospital, and Johns own hands began to shake. No one was telling him anything, and arriving at the hospital in soccer cleats only made the anxiety worse. They led him into a room that held his father, his head in his hands, and his 9 year old sister curled into a ball, sniffling next to the unconscious person in the bed. John looked at the face of his mother, pale, and scratched up, hooked up to endless machines, and he couldn’t handle it. He looked at everyone around him, crying, and he turned around and ran.

He has been running ever since. He grew distant from all of his friends, the pity they gave him made his skin crawl. He just wanted to be treated like a normal kid, but they tiptoed around him. They made him feel fragile, and he wasn’t. Not only did he withdraw from his family, his family withdrew from him. Henry started to work more, started to skip family dinners until they were so few and far between that everyone stopped trying. Henry had become more of a mystical figurehead than a father, and John can’t remember the last time they actually wanted to be in the same room together.

John and his sister were strangers rather than siblings. They didn’t talk to each other, they were busy involved in their own lives. They reminded each other of their mother, and it hurt to be around each other. They were 3 years apart, but their minds were lifetimes away from each other.

The house was soon filled with people, people who waited on the Laurens hand and foot. Maids, cooks, chauffeurs, nannies, gardeners, you name it, there was someone there who took care of it. Even with a house full of people, John was alone.

He should be happy, he’s going to Columbia, he was studying medicine, and he was going to be a doctor. He’s wanted to be a doctor for as long as he can remember and it was happening. Staring out of the window with monotone voices droning on in the background only made John feel worse.

“We’re here Jack.” John was startled out of his memories by the sound of his father’s voice. He looked around, looked at the large campus in front of him, and felt very overwhelmed by the amount of people milling about. He was going to college. Alone. John’s breath started to quicken, and his hands started to shake as he lugged his bags out and up to his dorm. After a few trips, all of John’s things were scattered around the right side of the room. The left side was occupied by a backpack, a few books and a leather bound journal, but not a person. His roommate was out somewhere, and John felt a little relived that he could just say goodbye to his dad, and have a few minutes of piece before meeting the person he was going to be sharing a room with for a year.

Even after all of the loads of lugging boxes to John’s room, he still felt the edges of panic. He doesn’t know why he’s freaking out, he hasn’t had an attack in almost 2 years. He sat down on his bed, the new sheets felt cool against his burning skin. He felt a large hand be placed on his shoulder. He looked up and sees his father, concern clear in his eyes. They stay like that for a little while, just staring at each other, until John’s vision become sharp and he can take deep breaths again.

The first time he had a panic attack was that day in the hospital. He ran out of his mother’s room, he couldn’t deal with what was happening around him. He couldn’t look at his mother like that, he couldn’t deal with the fact that his beautiful, kind mother, wasn’t even aware of what was going on around her. He found a closet and threw the door open and collapsed. He was crying and he couldn’t breathe. He felt like the world was crashing down around him and he didn’t know what was happening to him, but he couldn’t stop shaking. He was found a few minutes later, by his father. He was still curled into a ball, laying amongst medical supplies, hyperventilating. John doesn’t remember hearing his father come into the room, but remembers being picked up and held as they both cried. That was the first, and last panic attack the John had around his father. It made him uncomfortable, showing that much emotion around a man who didn’t show any.

“Jack, you’re going to be fine.” John nodded, and smiled at his father. He stood up, and hugged his dad. Henry was a little stiff at first, startled by the sudden contact, but soon melted into the hug. He was going to miss his father, he really was, but it wasn’t going to be a big adjustment. He was going to be alone, but the loneliness was familiar.

His father left, and so he began to unpack. There was still no sign of his roommate, he didn’t even know the boys name. He was finishing putting his books onto his bookshelf when the door opened, and three boys tumbled into the room. John looked at them, confused. They hadn’t even noticed that he standing there, because their conversation continued with no break.

“No guys I swear to god she was hitting on me.” The shortest one of the group exclaimed. His long brown hair was pulled back into a messy bun. His hoodie was slightly too big, his sleeves covered his hands, and he was waving his sweater paws around.

“Alex _mon ami_ she was not hitting on you. She’d have to be blind.” The tallest one said. His hair was pulled back into a big busy ponytail, French accent thick. He patted Alex on the head, and Alex put his hands on his chest in mock hurt.

“Nah I agree with Alex she was definitely hitting on him.” The final boy said, he wasn’t as tall as the French one, but was much stockier. He had grey beanie on, even though it was about 85 degrees outside. Alex looked up at the French one triumphantly, and the French on rolled his eyes and turned around and for the first time, noticed John standing there watching the whole exchange with an amused smile on his face.

“Oh pardon us, look Alex your roommate has arrived.” The French one turned to look at Alex, and Alex’s smile grew and he looked at John and beamed. Alex stepped forward and held his hand out for John to shake.

“Alexander Hamilton, nice to meet you.” John shook his hand and smiled. The French one walked forward and held out his hand for John to shake as well.

“Bonjour I wouldn’t bore you with my real name, it’s too long. You can just call me Lafayette.” They smiled at each other, and before John could respond with his name, the third boy came up and kind of just patted his arm instead of shaking his hand.

“I’m Hercules Mulligan, and try not to give me too much shit about that movie. These fuckers sing it at me every chance they get.” He said gesturing to Lafayette and Alex, who looked at him with fake hurt. They all kind of looked at each other for a few minutes, and the silence was broken by Alex.

“So um, do you have a name, or am I going to have to call you freckles for the rest of the year?” John blushed and ran his hands through his hair, laughing a little nervously when he realized he hadn’t even introduced himself.

“Oh uh my name is John. John Laurens.” Alex smiled at him, and damn, this kid never stopped smiling.

“Well it will be a pleasure to be your roommate for a year. These two knuckleheads seemed to be attached to my hip so they’ll most likely always be here.” He says pointing at Lafayette and Hercules.

The next week was filled with laughter and bonding between John and the rest of the boys. They sat up most of the nights playing drinking games or watching movies. John wasn’t alone for the first time in years. College proved that he was way out of his comfort zone. He wasn’t sure how to deal with doing domestic things, he didn’t even know how to do his own laundry.

On Sunday morning Alex headed out to do laundry, and so he decided to tag along. They were standing in the middle of the laundromat, Alex had already put one of his loads in and was sitting atop one of the washing machines, staring inquisitively at John, who didn’t know what he was doing. It looked like the inside of a computer to John, and he didn’t know how to do anything. He sighed and heard Alex sinker. He looked up to find Alex looking at him with an amused expression on his face.

“Do they not have washing machines in South Carolina?” Johns face got really hot, and he knew he was probably the color of a tomato. He was embarrassed, because how do you explain to someone that you’ve never had to do a load of laundry in your life? John nervously rubbed the back of his neck and gave Alex a weak smile.

“I’ve, uh, never actually done laundry before?” Alex’s eyebrows shot up, and John sighed. His face grew warmer and he dropped his gaze to the pile of dirty clothes. He just wanted to wash his clothes. He looked up when he heard Alex start laughing. He looked up confused, Alex was doubled over, practically laying on top multiple washing machines, clutching his abdomen has he laughed. After a few minutes of this, Alex’s laughter finally subsided, and all the people who were angrily staring at them went back to their business.

“Sorry man but like, how have you never done laundry before?” John realized, in this moment, that his skin color was never going back to its normal color. Whenever Alex was around his skin was going to remain as red as a tomato. He just shrugged his shoulders and turned away from Alex, rested his elbows on the washing machine he was leaning on and put his head in his hands. He heard Alex’s feet hit the linoleum floor and the next thing he knew Alex was pushing him out of the way and explaining what he was doing as he went. He explained how to separate each load, how to measure detergent, and how to set the machine. Alex did the first load, and John did the second, and when they were done Alex smiled at him.

“Thank you.” Alex just shrugged his shoulders, his smile turning playful as they collected their things to head back to the dorm.

“Anything else you don’t know how to do pretty boy?” John bumped Alex’s shoulder with his own as they walked.

“Well I can’t cook for shit so unless you want burnt ramen noodles you’ll have to do most it.”

“Oh hell yes I’m a great cook.” Both boys beamed at each other as they walked back to their dorm, with their clean laundry in tow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaron will be in the next chapter and i just love him and he will be great in this is and so will the Schuylers  
> Also i cant seem to stop torturing John so sorry about that


	2. Chapter 2

A month into the semester found the boys in Lafayette and Hercules’ dorm. Some type of French hip-hop was playing, and the four of them were lounging around waiting for the rest of the “gang” to show up. John was nervous to meet the rest of their friends, nervous that they wouldn’t like him. Apparently they were all very protective of each other, and they all had intricate backstories with each other. Alex, Lafayette and Aaron Burr were all adoptive siblings, and Thomas Jefferson and James Madison were old friends from high school. All boys were friends with the Schuyler sisters, who went to a different high school, but their dad was friends with their dad George Washington. They all knew each other’s dirty secrets, but John didn’t. John felt like the outsider, felt like he was intruding on a family who didn’t really need anyone else. John just wanted to feel a part of something for once, to have people who gave a shit if he lived or died.

He was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of vigorous knocking on the door. Lafayette moved from his position of having his torso lying on the floor and his feet propped up on his bed to answer it, but before he could reach the door it flew open and three girls stumbled inside.

“Lafayette you take way too fucking long to answer the door.” The smallest one said. She had her long curly brown hair pulled back into a half ponytail with a bright yellow scunchie. She had a short black skirt on with a yellow cardigan that matched the color of the scrunchie. The next girl had her long, silky dark hair in two French braids. She was wearing a pale blue sundress and promptly glared at scrunchie girl.

“Peggy don’t say fuck, it’s rude.” Peggy looked at the girl in blue, her mouth was slightly ajar in disbelief. She looked at the final girl who raised her hands in surrender. Peggy huffed in annoyance and crossed her arms over her chest. The final girl had her dark hair put in two ‘space buns’ on the top of her head. She had bright pink skinny jeans on with a white tank top. Space bun girl turned to look at Hercules, who was turning down the music, instead of addressing the other two girls.

“You should really lock your door, it’s not safe to just leave it open like that. A murderer could come in and kill you.”

“Angie why would a murder want to kill a bunch of broke college kids. What would he get out of that situation?” Hercules shot back at Angie. She just raised an eyebrow at him.

“Well I’m sure he’d get the simple pleasures that would come with killing you. That’s why he’s a murderer.” Angie walked over and locked the door, and Herc just sighed and turned the music back up. The girl in blue turned around to look at John who was sitting on the couch that was pushed against the far wall. Alex was resting his head in Johns lap and John was playing with his hair. She gave them an inquisitive look but didn’t say anything about it. Instead she went over and stuck her hand out for John to shake.

“It’s nice to finally meet you John. Alex never seems to shut up about you. I’m Elizabeth Schuyler, but everyone calls me Eliza.” John shook her hand, and shot a look down at Alex who was attempting to hide his blushing face into John’s thighs. She turned to look back at the other two girls, Angie was still bickering with Hercules, but the music was loud enough that they only heard snippets, and it had something to do with cheese. Peggy was sitting on Lafayettes bed, and Laf was pushed up against the edge of it and she was braiding his hair. She looked up when she noticed Eliza looking at her and gave a small wave. Eliza gestured to the seat next to John that was being occupied by Alexs feet,

“Mind if I sit?”

“Be my guest, but you’ll probably have to fight Alex’s feet for it.” Eliza just rolled her eyes, picked up Alex’s legs, and sat down before placing them back in her lap. Alex complained when she first lifted them up, but just hummed in agreement when she placed them back down.

“Those two rascals are my sisters. The one obsessed with Lafs hair is Peggy, she’s the baby. Technically she’s 10 months younger than me, but she’s still a baby. The one in the blinding pink pants is the oldest Angelica. She’s the only one of our friend group who is a sophomore.” Eliza explained to John, pointing to each sister as she talked. Her voice sounded like honey, and she was absolutely gorgeous, and if John wasn’t the gayest person he knew, he would definitely be in love with her.

“Liza you’re the only person I know who uses the word rascal.” Alex said, not moving his head from its position on Johns lap. Peggy suddenly appeared on the arm of the sofa next to John, and made John jump slightly in surprise.

“Are you hogging the new kid Lizard?” Peggy said gesturing to John. Eliza looked slightly annoyed at the nickname used by her sister, but didn’t say anything about it.

“I’m not hogging him Pegs, you were preoccupied by French curls.” Peggy just shrugged.

“What can I say, I’m a sucker for curls.” Eliza laughed at that. She then proceeded to tickle the bottoms of Alex’s feet, causing him to jerk and start to giggle helplessly. Peggy looked intensely at John, and John shifted uncomfortably under her gaze.

“You have nice hair, can I braid it?” She finally said after a few minutes. Eliza had made Alex roll off of his lap and was currently on the floor, clutching his sides as he tries to regain his breath from the sudden assault. He looked at Peggy from his position.

“You’re gonna scare him off with your obsession of hair. It’s weird.” Eliza reached down and smacked his arm. He winced and rubbed the spot she hit.

“Only her sisters are allowed to tell her what’s weird. But yeah Pegs, it’s weird.” Peggy rolled her eyes at her sister.

“You weren’t saying it was weird when I was doing your hair this morning.” Eliza just shrugged her shoulders and turned to talk to Alex, who was still lying on the floor.  
  
“So can I? You have very pretty hair.” John reached up and unconsciously touched his hair.

“Uh sure?” She smiled brightly and motioned for John to scoot up slightly from his position, and she slid in behind him and was sitting on the back of the couch, with John laying in-between her legs. She began to French braid his hair. John smiled, and remembered when his mom would do this. He really missed his mom in moments like these, where he is reminded of things she used to do for him. He knew he shouldn’t be thinking about this, it would only bring him down.

Luckily there was more knocking at the door, this time not as frantic or loud as when the Schuylers arrived. The door opened to reveal a boy who was only slightly taller than Alex, with a thin frame and a shaved head. Alex looked over and squealed. He honest to god squealed, and to John, it was adorable. Alex got up and basically assaulted the boy with a hug. The boy only laughed and hugged Alex right back, probably used to his enthusiasm.

“Aaron I missed you so much!” Alex said when they finally stopped hugging. Aaron only chuckled and shook his head.

“Alex you literally texted me an hour ago, and we got coffee on Monday.”

“Yeah but I still missed you.” Alex looked at him with the big puppy dog eyes that made John go weak in the knees.

“I missed you too Alexander.” Aaron said ruffling Alexs hair. Alex tried to swat away his hand but missed because Aaron pulled it away too quickly. Alex crossed his arms over his chest and huffed in annoyance and turned away from Aaron. His eyes met Johns and he smiled and turned back to Aaron.

“Aaron come meet John!” Alex grabbed his hand and practically dragged him over to wear John was sitting on the couch with Peggy behind him, still braiding his hair. John gave a small wave and smiled at Aaron.

“It’s nice to meet you, Alexander literally never stops talking about you.” Alex smiled and looked at his shoes, probably trying to hide the blush on his face. Peggy gave John’s hair a slight tug and smiled.

“Yeah you seem all Alex talks about now-a-days.” John couldn’t see her face, but he could practically feel her smile.

“Guuuys.” Alex said, still not looking at John, finding the carpet very interesting. _He looks adorable_. John just smiled at him, he could feel his own cheeks heat up slightly. Angelica came over and looked at Alex.

“Are we teasing Alex because this is what I live for.” She said with a mischievous grin on her face. Alex finally looked up at Angelica and promptly flipped her off. She just laughed and swatted his hand.

“Oh honey please, your crush on John is nothing to be embarrassed about.” Alex glared at her.

“Ang I swear to god I will murder you.” Angelica laughed and raised her arms in surrender.

“Teasing sweetie. We were only teasing.” Alex launched into some tangent about how teasing was cruel or something like that, John wasn’t really paying attention. He just liked it when Alex talked, because he was always so passionate and he found it so adorable.

He looked over at the door as two more people walked in, hand in hand. No one really seemed to notice their arrival, Hercules, Laf and Eliza were engaged in an intense game of what looked like cards against humanity, Aaron was making faces at Angelica over Alex’s head, and Ang tried not to laugh as Alex continued to lecture her. Peggy had finished his braid and was now laying on the couch scrolling on her phone with her feet in Johns lap. The two new boys walked over to Alex. The tall one spoke first, his wild hair bouncing as he walked.

“Hamilton what are you complaining about now?” He said, his southern accent noticeable, probably only to John as it was masked quite well. Alex stopped lecturing Angelica and turned to the tall kid. Angelica signaled to Aaron and Peggy and they went and joined the cards against humanity game.

“Ah Jefferson, I thought I smelled pretention.” Alex said scrunching up his nose. Jefferson laughed.

“You do know you can’t actually smell pretention right?” Alex scoffed and just glared at Jefferson. He then broke out into a toothy grin and hugged the taller man, who smiled and hugged him back. John must’ve looked very confused, because the shorter guy walked over to him as Alex and Jefferson started talking about classes. The other man sat down next to John and smiled at him.

“They have a weird relationship, I wouldn’t try and figure it out, I still cant. One second they’ll be at each other’s throats then they’ll be talkin like nothing’s wrong. I’m Madison by the way, James Madison it’s nice to meet you.” He stuck out his hand and John shook it.

“John Laurens. I’m Alexs roommate.” James smiled at him and looked back at his boyfriend, who was now arguing with Alex, but still had his arms around the smaller boys shoulders.

“Yeah Alex hasn’t been able to shut up about his cute new roommate.” John blushed and looked down at his hands that have been fidgeting in his lap.

“Yeah, people keep saying that.” John mumbled. James patted his hands, causing John to look up at him. He was comforted by the warm gaze of the other boy.

“Did he really say cute?” James laughed, but before he could respond, Peggy shouted, threw down her cards and stood up.

“HOW DID THAT NOT WIN THAT WAS GOLD!” Laf shrugged his shoulders.

“Sorry ma cheri, yours was not my favorite. Hercs was.” Pegged sighed and sat back down.

“This game is rigged.” Everyone just laughed at her and Eliza just patted her shoulder as the remaining four joined the rest in the game. Everyone sides hurt from laughing so hard and they all seemed like one big happy family. They all tried to include John in everything, talking to him and explaining things about their group. Still, he couldn’t help but feel like an outsider to a family that didn’t need another member. Surrounded by people, he still felt completely alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i suck at characterization but hopefully you got to know everyone a little bit??  
> Each chapter will hopefully focus on John developing friendships with each member a little better  
> please comment and tell me what you think, i want to hear everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly


	3. Chapter 3

“Jooooooohn.” Alex whined. He was trying to convince John to come study at the library with him and Aaron, but John didn’t want to go. The brothers were assigned to work on a project together for one of their mutual classes, they both were studying pre-law, and Alex wanted John to be there as a buffer. John would much rather sit at home in his dorm, than try and be the third wheel of Alex and Aaron, who were very close. John didn’t have that kind of relationship with his sister, and he had to admit that he was a little jealous; they weren’t even biologically related and were closer than two siblings who were.

“If I have to work on a project with Aaron by myself for more than an hour I will probably kill him.” Aaron was sitting on Alex’s desk chair, scrolling through his phone. When he heard Alexs comment he looked up, rolled his eyes and mumbled something John couldn’t hear from his position on his bed, which was on the opposite wall. Alex turned to look at him,

“I love you too Aaron but it’s true.” Aaron just rolled his eyes again and returned his full attention to his phone. Alex turned back to look at John, and gave him the biggest puppy dog eyes he could, John was a sucker for those eyes.

“No Alex, I would much rather lay here and watch Netflix than attempt to keep you from murdering someone.” John replied, Alex just sighed and crossed his arms over his chest, looked down at his shoes, and chewed on his bottom lip as he thought. His head snapped up a few minutes later with a bright smile on his face, clearly he thought of something and looked pretty sure that it would be able to convince John.

“Waffles.” That was all he said, and he looked pretty pleased with himself as he looked at Johns confused face.

“What?” Alex rolled his eyes, but smile still present on his face.

“I will buy you a shit ton of those really nice waffles from that one diner off campus that you like.” _Damn_ , Alex really knew what John liked. John sighed and shoved his biology textbook into his backpack, caving into Alexs request. How could he say no to those eyes and the prospect of waffles. Alex let out and excited giggle, and a smile spread across Johns face when he heard the adorable noise come from the smaller boy. John put on his shoes and grabbed a light jacket before following Alex and Aaron out of the dorm. It was only mid-October but there was already a small chill in the air, which he wasn’t used to. In South Carolina it was just starting to become a bearable temperature, cooling off from the extreme summer heat. John wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to handle the winter in New York if it was already this chilly.

As the three boys walked to the library, Alex and John walked slightly in front of Aaron, who was still engrossed in his phone. Every time they turned to look back at him he had this goofy smile on his face. John didn’t know what he was looking at, and from the annoyed look on his face, neither did Alex. When they were about halfway there Alex abruptly stopped and turned around to face Aaron, who almost ran straight into his brother.

“Why the fuck are you smiling like that.” Aaron looked up at his brother and promptly scowled.

“I don’t know what you mean.” He mumbled before looking back at his phone, smile returning and attempted to walk in between John and Alex. Alex reached out and snatched Aarons phone away and started to run, and left Aaron to chase him, yelling profanities at his brother. Alex was laughing hysterically by the time Aaron caught him and yanked the phone out of his hands. John jogged after them, and caught up to the brothers as Aaron was doubled over, trying to catch his breath and Alex was laying on the sidewalk laughing and wheezing, out of breath as well. John waited a few seconds before reaching a hand out to hoist Alex back onto his feet, and once Alex was up, he held onto Johns hand a little too long. John could feel his own face flush slightly, and could see the tips of Alexs ears turn pink. Alex turned his attention back to Aaron, and John was grateful not to have Alex staring at him anymore.

“Who’s Theodosia?” Alex had a teasing grin on his face and he asked the question, and Aarons head shot up so fast his neck could have snapped. John was sure if Aarons complexion wasn’t so dark, they would be able to see a wild blush on his face. He tried to put a neutral smile on as he looked at Alex.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Alexander.” He shoved Alexs shoulder lightly and continued walking, not waiting to see if John and Alex followed. They did

“Is she your girlfriend?” Alex prodded, and Aaron didn’t turn around when he answered, making it a little hard to hear, but both John and Alex caught what he said.

“I wish.” Both boys looked at each other, slightly confused by Aarons answer.

“What do you mean?” John was the one to ask the question which caused Aaron to stop and turn around to look at John, slightly confused. He was terrified he over-stepped, maybe Aaron was only okay with Alex asking him personal questions. Maybe now he won’t want to be friends with John, and then Alex would choose Aaron over him and John would be left all alone again. Aaron sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, snapping John out of his racing thoughts, and helping to stop the rising panic in Johns chest.

“She has a boyfriend, and in my opinion he is a major tool, but she loves him. I just want her to be happy, even if it’s not with me.” Alex sighed softly at his brother and engulfed him into a big hug, which Aaron was quick to return. John just kind of, awkwardly patted Aaron on the back in an attempt to comfort him. He knew that Aaron wasn’t big on physical affection, only accepting it from Alex and Laf, and he didn’t wasn’t to overstep more than he probably already had.

“Don’t worry baby bro, you’ll get the girl.” Alex said when he finally pulled away from the hug. Aaron huffed in fake annoyance at Alexs comment.

“Alex you are literally less than a month older than me.” Alex just shrugged his shoulders and continued walking. Once they finally reached the library they headed to one of the private rooms in the back, where Alex and Aaron could work on their project without disturbing everyone. Well, everyone except John. He sat at one end of the long table, while Alex and Aaron sat on the other side. They collaborated for a bit before they started to do their own parts of the project in relative silence. John heard paper ripping right before something flew by his head. He looked up from his textbook looking at the boys on the other end. Aaron was too engulfed in whatever he was reading to notice anything and Alex was suppressing laughter. John narrowed his eyes, before ripping his own piece of paper, crumbling it up, and throwing it at Alexs head. It hit him square in the forehead and Alex let out a small giggle.

“Oh it is on Laurens.” They contained throwing little balls of paper at each other, sometimes wildly missing each other, and other times hitting their target dead on. Alex had pieces stuck in his hair, and John was sure he had some too. They took a small cease fire and burst into a fit of giggles, causing Aaron to finally look up. He looked at both boys, and sighed.

“You are both children.” Alex held his hands up to his chest in fake annoyance, a smile still clearly on his face.

“What a buzz kill.” Aaron sighed again and returned his attention to his book, but John and Alex returned to their paper war. John threw one, which got caught in a gust of wind from the air conditioner and hit Aaron instead. Aaron looked up again, and glared at John who shrunk back into his seat and lowered his head to look at his paper ball covered biology textbook. He wiped all the paper off and started to read about cell division when a paper ball landed on the textbook. John looked up to see Aaron smiling widely at him.

“Burr, you’ve just declared war.” John smiled back at Burr mischievously and all three got caught up in an intense game of trying to hit each other in the face. They had apparently gotten a little too rowdy because next thing they knew a librarian came in to hush them, and almost had a heart attack at the mess that had been made. John was pretty sure he had never seen someone get so red in the face. They all were forced to pick up the paper from all around the room under the intense watch of the librarian, trying not to break out in loud laughter again. Once they finished they were promptly kicked out, and finally burst into laughter once they were outside. By the time they had finished, they were all doubled over with tears streaming down their faces, as they attempted to catch their breaths. Once they were all steady enough, they started to walk back to the dorm, but John turned to look at Alex, who was walking next to him.

“So, about those waffles…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theodosia probably wont be featured in this fic, but she'll be mentioned whenever Aaron is in it.  
> Next chapter is gonna be emotional, not sad emotional, but emotional nonetheless  
> Please comment and tell me what you think


	4. Chapter 4

John was pretty sure that if he had to continue to read about epigenetics that he was going to rip his hair out. Figuring that becoming bald at the ripe age of 19 probably wasn’t the best idea, he decided to give up on his reading. He sighed and decided that staring at the celling was a much better alternative.

He tried to think about all the things he needed to do, but soon found himself thinking about a certain boy. He thought about the intense, passionate eyes that made his stomach do summersaults. He thought about his ink stained hands, because he could never seem to buy pens that dried quick enough. He thought about dark hair that somehow always smelled like coffee. John had never felt this way about anyone before. He wasn’t exactly sure how he felt, he just knew that most of the time he wanted to cuddle Alex and never let go.

Johns train of thought was interrupted by vigorous knocking at the door of his dorm. Alex wasn’t home, he was still in class, and so John had to crawl out of his comfortable position on his bed to answer the door. He was surprised to find that when he opened it, Jefferson and Madison were standing on the other side. Jefferson had on an obnoxiously bright purple sweater that involuntarily made John squint his eyes.

“Damn Jefferson, are you trying to blind me?” Jefferson just chuckled and pushed past him, walking into the dorm, Madison following right behind, mumbling “sorry” to John as they went by.

“I thought vampires had to be invited inside someone’s house.” John said as he closed the door. Jefferson walked to Alexs bed and sat down, pulling Madison down next to him.

“It’s daylight, if I was a vampire I wouldn’t have been able to even make it into the building, let alone inside your dorm.” He said as he laid his head to rest on Madisons shoulder. Madison kissed the top of his head before returning his attention to John who raised his hands in surrender about the vampire comment.

“We’re just waiting for Alex to return from class so we can go grab some lunch.” John nodded as he sat back down onto his bed and pulled out his laptop, figuring he should probably get started on the report that was due in a week for chemistry lab. He started to write it, listening to the soft murmuring coming from across the room. While chemical reactions should be holding his attention, the attempt soon became futile because he couldn’t concentrate with Romeo and Juliet sitting across from him. He looked up from his computer just in time to see Madison lean over and place a light kiss on the tip of Jeffersons nose. John sighed and pushed his computer out of the way, and looked down at his hands in his lap. He wanted that, at least, he thought he wanted that.

“Something wrong Johnny Bravo?” He looked up to find both boys looking at him. While the tone of Jeffersons voice was playful, there was a twinkle of genuine worry in his eyes.  
  
“How did you realize you were gay?” John blurted before he lost the courage. Both boys looked taken aback by the question.

“What do you mean John?” _Oh no_. The use of a first name was not a good sign. John looked away from them, but could still feel both sets of eyes on him. He felt his breath quicken, and tried to stop his hands from shaking.

“I just mean, I don’t know, sorry I asked.” He moved to lay down, didn’t want to have to look at them anymore, god he was so embarrassed, but didn’t when he heard Jefferson start talking.

“I just knew. I knew that I never liked girls, even though that’s what everyone else seemed to do. It wasn’t until I met Mads that I realized I liked guys. He made me realize that it was okay to feel that way about other men.” Jefferson looked lovingly at his boyfriend, and Madison returned the look. John wanted that, he wanted that with Alex.

“I think, I think I’m gay.” _Oh god_. Saying that was much different than thinking it. What if this got back to his father? He knew that his dad wouldn’t approve, knew that if the news ever got back to him, that he would stop paying for Johns schooling. _Oh god_. John was going to have to drop out and move back home, back to being alone in a house where he wouldn’t be welcomed. _Oh god_. He couldn’t breathe, could feel the panic settling itself in his chest. No. He hadn’t had a panic attack in years. _Oh god. Oh god_.

He didn’t notice anything until it there was a hand on his knee, causing him to look up and find Madison crouching in front of him, lips moving, but John couldn’t hear anything, he felt like there was cotton balls stuck in his ears. He felt arms wrap around his shoulders, and was pulled into someone chest. He could feel the steady heartbeat of who he assumed was Jefferson, and tried to match his steady breathing.

After the initial panic subsided, he began to sob into a purple sweater. He could feel someone start to rub soothing circles onto his back, and was just held tighter by the arms keeping him close to Jeffersons chest. John never liked crying, always felt like it was showing too much of him, and was always able to stop not long after he started. The heavy arms around his shoulders, and the circles being rubbed into his back kept him grounded, and he was able to stop crying. He pulled away slightly, and was met with worried brown eyes. Jefferson. He had a panic attack and sobbed in front of Thomas Jefferson. _Oh god_.

“How’re you feeling?” He heard a soothing voice from behind him, and was met with Madison, worry clear on his face too. _Oh god_. He had a panic attack in front of both of them. _Oh god_.

“I feel peachy.” John deadpanned, his voice was still scratchy and broken from crying. He scooted out of Jefferson’s grasp, and only slightly missed the comfort that his arms had been providing. He leaned back against the wall, and reached for the stuffed turtle he had on his bed and pulled it into his lap. It was good to have it there, he needed something to fiddle with.

“Sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Jefferson asked.

“For freaking out, I haven’t had a panic attack in years.” John didn’t look up from the turtle, he was too afraid to look at their faces. He felt a hand get placed onto his shoulder, and looked up to see Madison smiling at him sympathetically, not pitying.

“Don’t apologize. I get them sometimes, and it sucks, and just know that most people in the group know what to do if someone is having one, so please don’t ever be afraid to ask for help. We all care about you.” John could feel tears welling up behind his eyes at Madisons words.

“They wont hate me?”

“Why would they hate you?”

“For being gay and panicking about it.” He heard Jefferson laugh and felt the tears finally fall. Of course he was laughing at him. Jefferson and Madison have always felt so secure about their sexualities, they didn’t understand.

“You do realize that there is only one straight person in our group right?” His head shot up as he looked at Jefferson in shock. Really? He wiped the tears with the sleeves of his sweater as he squeaked out a weak, “What?” Jefferson chuckled.

“Me, Mads, and Eliza are very gay. Alex, Aaron and Angie are bi. Laf is pan, and Peggy is Aro and Ace. We’ve all struggled with coming to terms with our sexualities, we’ve all been exactly where you are, and sometimes we’re still there. What you are feeling is valid, and your feelings matter. How you feel and what you think matters and I’m so glad that you opened up to us. I know how hard that can be, and we won’t tell anyone if you don’t want us to.”

John had started crying again by the time Jefferson was done. He wasn’t alone.

“I-I had no idea. Thank you, but I want to tell people. I’m not being myself if I don’t.” Jefferson smiled and Madison patted his shoulder.

The door swung open and a disheveled Alex practically ran into the room, words already tumbling out of his mouth.

“Oh my god I’m sorry I’m late you guys, I got caught up in a debate during class and then Mr. Adams, that fuckwad, decided that he needed to have a conversation with me after class. Well it wasn’t really a conversation it was really more like him lecturing me about talking. I swear to god If I could punch that pompous asshole and –“ He stopped mid-sentence when he noticed the tears still coming down Johns face and practically ran to his bed, ignoring Madison and Jefferson, and sat in front of John, and cupped his head in his hands and wiped away the tears that were still left. “Oh my god John, what happened? Are you okay? Do I need to punch someone because I swear to god I will.”

John just laughed and grabbed Alex’s hand that was on his face, intertwining them.

“No, you don’t have to do anything Alex.”

“Well then why are you crying?”

“I’m gay.” Alex looked confused.

“That’s great, I’m bi, but why does that explain the crying?” John laughed again.

“I’ve never told anyone. I literally just came out for the first time.” Alexs face broke out into a smile as he brought their, still intertwined, hands and kissed the back of Johns hands.

“I’m proud of you John. Now we can continue to make fun of Herc for literally, being the only straight friend we have.” John laughed as Alex hopped off the bed and set down the backpack he was still wearing. He turned to look at Jefferson and Madison when he spoke.

“Gentleman, I believe we had lunch plans?” They nodded, and patted John on the shoulder as they got up off of his bed as well.

“John, would you like to join us? I’ll buy and we’ll call it your coming out party, it’ll be great.” John raised his eyebrow, but nodded because he was starving. Having a panic attack was draining, and he had barley eaten breakfast.

“A coming out party? Is that even a real thing?” Alex scoffed, like it was an obvious answer.

“I had one.”

“Really?”

“Well, if Aaron baking me a cupcake decorated with rainbow sprinkles at 3 am is a party, then hell yeah.”

They laughed at Alex as they headed out of the dorm towards the diner. He wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, John and Eliza go to an art gallery and then get ice cream.  
> Im bi, and when i came out to my mom all she said was "Do you have a secret girlfriend or something?", so this was not based on a personal experience.  
> Please comment and tell me what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

“You do realize that telling me I’m not the first person you asked is not going to help you convince me.” John said, turning his attention back to his laptop where Parks and Recreation was playing.

“John, I asked my sisters first. You’re the first person I asked who is not related to me.” Eliza revised, moving to sit down on the couch, putting her feet in his lap. “Please, I am begging you to go with me.”

“Spending my Saturday afternoon at an art gallery full of pretentious college kids is not my idea of fun.” He told her, not taking his eyes off of the laptop. He loved this episode, it was the one were April and Andy got married, and it always made him happy. Eliza was trying to convince to go to an art gallery that she had to visit for an art class that she was taking, and apparently she didn’t want to go alone, but no one else wanted to go with her.

“I have to go, it’s for a grade.” She huffed, “Do you want me to fail?”

“Why would me not going make you fail?” He asked, glancing over at her to find that she was unconsciously braiding a small section of her hair. What was it with these Schuylers and braiding?

“Because I know that no one else will go with me, and I really really don’t want to go by myself, and I’ll be so distracted by the fact that none of my friends will go with me that I won’t be able to pay attention to the art and I’ll fail.”

“Eliza, I love you, but I’m not going.” She huffed in frustration, crossing her arms over her chest. She glared at john for a few seconds, causing him to turn back to the laptop to avoid her very intense stare. He made a mental note to never get on her bad side.

“I’ll buy you ice cream.”

“Damn, that’s literally exactly how Alex gets me to go places, by bribing me with food. Has he been talking to you about me or something?” He joked, looking at Eliza, who just raised an eyebrow at him.

“Other than him sending me sonnets about your freckles, not really.” She said smugly. John felt his cheeks heat up at the thought of Alex writing sonnets about him. Does that mean that Alex likes him, or maybe Eliza is just joking? Yeah, she’s just joking, Alex definitely doesn’t like him.

“He writes sonnets about me?” He asked quietly, more to himself than to Eliza.

“That’s off topic,” she waved her hand dismissively; “I will buy you ice cream if you go with me.” John sighed and raised his hands in defeat.

“Fine, but I will complain loudly the whole time.” He said, closing his laptop, and dislodging her feet from their spot on his lap.

“I wouldn’t expect any less.” She smiled, clearly pleased with herself.

\--  
The art gallery itself wasn’t that bed. It was big, and a little too crowded for Johns own comfort, but Eliza held his hand the whole time. When he felt himself panic a little too much, she always squeezed his hand, and pulled him back to reality. He was really lucky to be friends with Eliza, she really was the best of women.

John was pretty sure he laughed more in that one afternoon, than he had in his whole life. Half of their trip was spent laughing at the people who were there who were trying to sound super deep, and just ended up sounding like a jackass. They ran into Jefferson while they were there, and John laughed when he told Eliza that she could’ve just asked Thomas. She replied, saying that if she had to spend hours alone with Jefferson in an art gallery, she would probably have shot him. John couldn’t argue with that, because he probably would’ve done the same thing. Don’t get him wrong, he loves Thomas, and they’re really close, especially considering what had happened the week before, but prolonged exposure to Thomas would make anyone, besides James, want to kick his ass. The other half of their trip was spent laughing at the art itself. They laughed at designs they found in abstract paintings, and laughed as they thought of reasons why anyone would paint hardwood floor.

They were now walking 10 blocks to go get ice cream, because Eliza insisted that they had to go to this specific ice cream shop.

“Liza, we literally passed 3 other ice cream shops, why couldn’t we go to one of those?”

“Because we have to go to this one.” She insisted.

“My feet hurt Liza, are we almost there?” He whined, and Eliza just rolled her eyes at him.

“Yes.” They stopped in front of a small ice cream shop. It had blue and white striped awnings over the windows. It had a few black metal table and chairs, with blue and with striped umbrellas over the tables sitting put front. There were little ice cream cone decals in the windows with the words ‘Sweet Treat Creamery’ in pretty scrawling blue letters on the sign hanging above the door.

They walked in and were met with a gust of cold air, and the smell of freshly made ice cream. There were only two other customers in the shop, and they both seated at a table by the window, enjoying their ice cream cones. There was only one girl behind the counter, and when they walked in, she looked up, causing her curly hair to bounce in its ponytail. She had bright red lipstick on and she smiled when she saw them enter.

“Eliza, hi!” She beamed, and John turned to see Eliza blush slightly. It all made sense.

“Oooooh.” He said, just low enough that only he and Eliza could hear it. She lightly elbowed him in the ribs.

“Shut up.” She muttered, but grabbed his hand and walked up to the counter. He noticed the girls eyes flicker down to their intertwined hands, and when she looked back at them her smile wasn’t as wide, and she even looked a little sad.

“Hey Maria! This is John.” Maria reached over the top of the glass guard and shook his free hand.

“Good to meet you John. What can I get you guys?” Her smile was lifted slightly when she saw Eliza smiling at her. She blushed a little and turned her attention to John, ready for him to order.

“Uh, I’ll have a double scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough please.” She nodded and looked at Eliza as she began to scoop Johns ice cream.

“I’ll have my usual please.” She said, and Maria smiled and nodded.

“How often do you come here that you have a usual.” John looked at her teasingly, and Eliza blushed and looked down at her shoes.

“I like ice cream, fight me.” John knocked their shoulders together as he chuckled. Elizas ‘usual’ was one scoop of mint chocolate chip with a scoop of regular chocolate on top. Maria handed them their ice cream, and Eliza pulled out the money to pay.

“Wow, John, what kind of man makes the women pay on the date?” Maria asked jokingly. Eliza bushed and started to stutter, “I-we’re not- um” and John interrupted her.

“Eliza is fully capable of being able to pay for herself.” He said, matter-of-factly, “Anyway, Eliza and I are both very, very gay and not dating.” John said and then proceeded to lick ice cream that had started to drip down his hand. He saw Marias smile get even wider after hearing this information.

“Really?” She asked. Elizas blush had gotten almost as red as Marias lipstick.

“Yeah.” She replied, smiling back at Maria.

"Me too." Eliza beamed when she said that. They probably would’ve stayed there and stared at each other all day, if John didn’t clear his throat and began to talk.

“Well, we should probably let our dear Maria get back to work.”

“Actually, my shift just ended.” Maria said, taking off the apron she had been wearing and throwing it into a pile the laid on the floor behind one of the large ice cream makers.

“Great! Well, why don’t you look at the time, I’ve got to head out. Maria, why don’t you keep Liza company?” John said, throwing a wide smile at both of the girls.

“If that’s okay with Eliza.” Maria said, and Eliza nodded furiously. Maria smiled and reached under the counter to grab her bag, and went to go clock out. Eliza took that opportunity to launch herself into Johns arms, careful not to squish either of their ice creams, and he just smiled at the sudden contact. She whispered a small “Thank you,” into his ear and he just smiled into the hug. She let go once Maria had walked back out.

“Later ladies.” John shot them a peace sign as he walked out of the shop. He smiled to himself as we started towards the subway to go back to campus. There was something that Eliza had she said while looking at the paintings, that really stuck with him. They were looking at a painting of the New York skyline when she said, “Look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now.” She didn’t think anything about it, but it caused John to stop. He thought about how he really was lucky. He was lucky to be with the most amazing women that he got to call his best friend, who was making him laugh his ass off. He was lucky to have people who supported him when he came out to everyone. They all hugged him and told him how proud they were of him. He was lucky to be able to call Alex his other best friend and Alex always made sure John knew how much he cared for him. Once he got inside the subway car he pulled out his phone and texted Alex.

To: **Alexander** – look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Lafayette and Hercules show john french pop music and they all drink a little too much wine  
> Maria will probably show up in a later chapter, but I'm not sure yet.  
> Hope y'all enjoyed this chapter, i like making Eliza and John really good friends  
> Please comment and tell me what you think!


	6. Chapter 6

“I swear to god, if I’m going to sit here and listen to French music, I’m going to need a lot of alcohol.” John groaned from his position on Laf and Hercs couch. Alex was off in the library, and he probably wouldn’t be back until the next morning, because he tended to lose track of time when he was there. He tended to spend quite a few nights there. Johns anxiety had been getting progressively worse as the day went on, and he really didn’t want to be alone right now, and so he decided to hang out with Hercules and Lafayette for the night.

“I will let you drink a whole bottle of wine if you just listen to this album. It will blow you away.” Laf said, fiddling with the speaker system they had in their dorm. They played loud music at all hours of the night, and he wonded how they haven’t gotten yelled at by their neighbors yet. John made a noise in agreement to the deal, and once Lafayette started the music, he got up and pulled out two bottles of wine and two glasses. He opened both bottles before giving one whole bottle to John and kept the other one and the glasses for him and Hercules. John cradled the bottle to his chest and asked if he was going to get a glass.

“Well, mon ami I figured you were going to want to drink straight out the bottle.”

“You know me better than I know myself because you are absolutely right.” He said as he sat up and took a big swig of the wine. He took a couple more big swigs before setting the bottle on the floor and laid back down on the couch and let the music wash over him. He couldn’t understand anything that was being said, but it was nice. It had a pretty melody and he was pretty sure he could hear a ukulele in the background. It was soothing.

He sat up and picked the bottle back up, downing about half of it in a few gulps. He could feel the liquid warm up his insides, and he could feel the buzz kick in. He hadn’t drank a lot since he got to college, but he used to. He found that drinking calmed his anxiety, and that being buzzed helped keep his hands from shaking, and he found himself drinking more days than not. It calmed his thoughts, and made him feel alive.

But since coming to college, he hadn’t felt the need to drink. He didn’t need to drink to calm himself down, because now he had people that would do that for him. If nights were bad, and he woke up sweating and shaking, Alex would read to him until he fell back asleep. Peggy would braid and unbraid his hair, pulling a little too hard on his hair to keep him from disassociating sometimes. Eliza would sing to him, would sing lullabies and would rub soothing circles on his back until he calmed down. He had people, and he didn’t need to drink.

Now getting drunk was for fun, not a way to cope. He was having fun, watching Lafayette dance badly to music that only he could understand. He and Hercules were laughing when he would stumble slightly, the alcohol fucking with his balance.

They weren’t completely drunk, just a little tipsy, but when Lafayette lost his balance and fell completely down on his back, all they could do was laugh their asses off. Even Laf, who was too defeated to get back up, just laid on his back and laughed at his own fall. They probably would’ve laughed longer, if not for Lafayette interrupting.

“Mes amis, I think I am in love.” If happiness had a sound, it was exactly how Lafayettes voice sounded.

“Who is the lucky person, so I can tell them to run.” Herc laughed, and only laughed harder when Laf threw a pillow at him.

“Her name is Adrianne and she is French and beautiful.” He said as he sat up and grabbed his glass of wine, and finished it in one big gulp.

“So is that all it takes for you to like someone, is for them to be French?” John asked, grinning at Laf.

“What can I say, I love my people.” He just shrugged, and poured himself some more wine. John took another swing out of his own bottle and thought about Alex. Thought about how badly he wanted to kiss him, and wanted to run his fingers though his hair. He wanted to listen to him talk for hours, and wanted to be with him all the time. _God, he really liked Alex_.

“We know.” Johns eyes got wide, holy shit. He stared at Lafayette, he hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“Shit, did I say that out loud?” He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He hadn’t told anyone about his crush, and he just told two of Alexs best friends.

“John, you do realize that Alex is head over heels for you right?” What? No, Hercules was just fucking with him, Alex didn’t like him. Why would Alex like him? He was a mess, and Alexander deserved someone so much better.

“No he doesn’t.” He mumbled as he took another drink of wine. Lafayette came over and sat right in front of him, and put his hands on Johns shoulders.

“Cheri, he is totally crazy about you. Why else would he talk for an hour, I’m not exaggerating, he talked for an hour about how much he loves your hair.” John giggled, because that sounded exactly like something Alex would do. Lafayette shook him slightly as he continued to talk, “And I swear that you two need to get together quickly, because if I get one more text about how adorable you are I’m going to scream.” He released John and went back to his glass. Alex liked him? Oh my god, no one had ever liked him before. He felt himself smile as he took another drink. Wow, maybe he had a chance after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to the album 'Idées blanches' by Vianney while writing this at 3am, hes an amazing french indie pop singer and this album is great  
> Next chapter: Alex, Angelica, and John play jenga is 3am  
> This one was a little shorter than usual, sorry about that.  
> Please comment and tell me what you think!


	7. Chapter 7

John has never found comfort in silence. He always had something acting as white noise, so that he didn’t get stuck in his head. He always had the soft hum of music, or the tv playing in the background, keeping him from thinking too much. He didn’t have the luxury tonight though. He had lost his headphones, and playing his iPod out loud at 1am probably wasn’t the best thing he could do as a roommate. He was pretty sure that Alex wouldn’t mind, but he didn’t want to push his luck. So he was just lying in the dark, staring at the celling, the only audible things were the hum of the fan and Alexs small snores.

He sighed and ran a shaky hand threw his hair, trying to even out his breathing. He decided to check his email, trying to focus on something, anything. He ran his hands wildly around his bed until his fingers curled around his phone and pulled it close to his face, squinting at the bright screen. After turning down the brightness, he pulled up his email, deleting most of them, until his eyes landed are one in particular. It was from his father, with the subject line simply stating ‘Thanksgiving’.

John didn’t particularly want to go home for Thanksgiving break. He knew that if we was in that house longer than a few days, that all the happiness he had built up while away, would come crashing down. The façade of a normal life would be shattered, and he’d be left with the reality of a cold, uncaring household.

He knew what Thanksgiving dinner would consist of. He, Martha, and his father all sitting as far away from each other as possible at the absurdly long table in the dining room. They would have tons of servers standing by in case anything needed to be passed around, because all the Laurens couldn’t be bothered to get up and pass it down the table themselves. They would make light conversation, usually about weather or about school. They would talk, but they wouldn’t really say anything.

John sighed and opened the email. It was two sentences. ‘Jack, we would enjoy it if you came home for Thanksgiving break. Your father, Henry Laurens.’ It wasn’t a request, it never was. John had to go home for Thanksgiving, his father had requested his presence.

He thought back to when his mother was still alive. She had insisted that they all help make dinner every year. They would make a whole day out of it, waking up and helping mom cook a light breakfast, usually pancakes with whip cream on top. After they finished, they helped her start dinner. This was about the time that their dad would stumble in, wearing sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt, much more relaxed than his normal work attire, but john always loved to see that side of his dad. He felt special, because his family were the only ones who got to see it. They would beg him until he helped make food too. He would usually help john mash potatoes, while Martha helped mom with the turkey. Once they were both done, they would switch parents, John helping mom make pumpkin pie, with Martha helped dad with making the rolls. They always had the Thanksgiving Day parade playing in the background.

Johns dad would help him put whip cream onto the pie, and it almost always ended with him putting some on his wives nose, and then kissing it off. John always loved how much his parents loved each other. They would then move into the dining room, all the leaves taken out of the table to make it much smaller than it was, and always made sure that it was overflowing with food. They laughed, and played music in the background, and relished being in each others company. They didn’t like being around each other very much anymore.

John missed his mom. It’s been 7 years since she died, and he’s started to forget what her voice sounded like. If he didn’t have pictures, he probably would’ve forgotten what she looked like too. Sometimes he can’t remember, only remembered long, curly brown hair that used to tickle Johns face when she hugged him. He remembered that the perfume she liked to wear smelled like daisies, and when she would hug him a little longer than normal, he’d come away smelling like daises too. Sometimes he wished that the car hadn’t run into his mom until he was in the car with her. Than he would’ve died too, and he wouldn’t have to face the cold lonely life he had now. He would be with his mom, and wherever they were, at least they would be happy together.

He didn’t know when he started crying, or when he had made noise at all. Yet, Alex was sitting down next to him, wrapping his arms around Johns shaking frame, whispering soothing things into his ear. Re rubbed circles onto Johns back and John cried into his shirt. His breathing was erratic, and he tried to match the way Alex was breathing, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t get into the rhythm, and that only made him cry harder. He then heard Alex counting in French, and tried to match his breathing to the rhythm of his voice instead. It worked, and John was finally able to breathe, which helped stop the crying as well.

Once the sobbing had begun to subside, he looked at Alex. Alex smiled down at him, and ran his hands threw Johns hair. Alex had lost his mother at a young age as well, and knew that most of Johns attacks were because of her. John always preferred having his attacks in front of Alex, because his presence alone helped calm John down. Also because he knew exactly what John was going through, and just having someone there who understood, made all of the difference.

Once John had almost completely calmed down, Alex got up to go back to his own bed, but John grabbed his hand and stopped him with a broken, “Stay.”

“Always.” He whispered as he crawled into bed with John, wrapping his arms around him. John snuggled into his side and almost instantly fell asleep to the sound of his heart beating.

They were both jolted out of sleep when someone began banging loudly at their door. Alex shot up, effectively dislodging john from on top of him, and subsequently making him fall off the bed. John got up, rubbing the back of his head as Alex laughed, and quickly opened the door before their neighbors got pissed, because it was only 3am, according to the clock on Johns bedside table.

When he opened the door, a very drunk Angelica stumbled into him.

“Joooohn! Wow, so nice to see you.” She practically yelled into his ear, wrapping her arms around his neck, trying to hug him. He took a few steps back, her still hanging onto him like a monkey, and shut the door.

“Hey Angie, how many drinks have you had tonight?” She stumbled over some clothes that had laying on the floor and fell straight on her ass. She laughed and just pulled her backpack off, ignoring Johns question. Alex was now out of bed, and sitting down next to her. She looked at him when he sat down and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek. She then proceeded to pull jenga out of her backpack and rolled onto her stomach. She began setting it up on the floor, trying to concentrate very hard on not knocking it over.

“Ange, you do realize you’re so drunk you can’t even stand right? How do you expect to play jenga?” John asked, sitting down next to alex. She stopped what she was doing and raised one eyebrow at him.

“Afraid of getting your ass beat Laurens.” She slurred and John laughed.

“In your dreams Schuyler.” And it was settled, they engaged in a very heated battle of jenga at 3am on John and Alexs floor. Angelica Schuyler was drunk off her ass, but she was also and engineering major, and was absolutely killing both of them.

Alex was the one who ended up losing. He went for an edge piece, but didn’t think about how it was counterbalanced, and the whole thing came tumbling down. Angie laughed and hi-fived John, collected all the wood blocks into her backpack, and left. John and Alex were left staring at each other.

“What the fuck just happened?”

“Angelica Schuyler just happened.” They laughed, and John suddenly became hyperaware of how close they were sitting to each other. They had migrated closer and closer during the game, and now their thighs were pressed against each other and their shoulders kept knocking into each other. John turned to look at Alex, and drank in his features. He liked the curve of Alexs nose, and the way his eyelashes fluttered when he blinked.

Before he knew what he was doing, he was leaning in and then his lips were on Alexs. And _Oh my god_ , Alex was kissing him back. His lips were so soft, they made John feel like he was floating on cloud nine. He reached up to tangle his hands in Alexs hair. Alex cupped the side of his face, his thumb tracing Johns cheekbone as they kissed.

When they finally broke apart, Alexs pupils were blown and they were both breathing a little heavy. Alex smiled at him and John felt his chest flutter.

“Laurens, I like you a lot.” John laughed.

“Hamilton I like you a lot.” John climbed back into his bed and patted the spot next to him, inviting Alex to cuddle with him again. When he was with Alexander, nothing else mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadness, and then fluff!  
> Next chapter: John goes home for thanksgiving  
> They finally kissed you guys, im so excited  
> I dont know why i made Angelica and engineering major, i just feel like that fits her, ya know?  
> Please comment and tell me what you think!


	8. Chapter 8

John had only wanted to stay for three days, arrive on Wednesday and leave on Friday. Being home for any longer than he possibly had to be would bring up bad memories, and John really didn’t want that to happen. He didn’t want to go back to college, drained and detached, like he was when he arrived the first time. But, of course, things didn’t ever happen like he wanted them to. He had gotten an email with his plane ticket attached, already paid for. He had to spend a full week back home. From Sunday until Sunday, and John wasn’t sure how he was going to survive this trip.

South Carolina always seemed to smell like bigotry to John. Bigotry and pine trees. He stepped off the plane and got one big whiff of South Carolina, and wanted to run back onto the plane and go home, back to New York. This wasn’t his home, not anymore. It hadn’t been his home in a long time.

He looked around the terminal, clutching the two bags he had brought, searching for the face of his father, or maybe even his sister. Instead he found a man in a nice suit holding a sign with his name on it. He rolled his eyes and approached the man, who smiled at him and led him to a nice car. He opened the door for John and got in the drivers seat and took off for the Laurens house. _It’s good to be home_ , he thought sarcastically.

He finally rolled up to the Laurens estate, and remembered how truly beautiful the house itself was. It was what was on the inside that was ugly. Behind the beautiful iron gates were acres of well-kept green grass, and trees that canopied the long driveway. The house itself was 2 stories and painted a beautiful, sparkling white. Six large columns held up the porch, and spanned the entire front of the house. Why three people needed such a big house, he would never understand.

When they pulled up John quickly got out of the car, holding both of his bags tightly, not wanting help from the people his father paid. He took a deep breath before he rang the doorbell, and waited for a maid to open the large, dark, oak doors. He was surprised when the door opened to find his little sister standing there instead. She lit up when she saw him, and a large grin appeared on her face. “Jacky!” She squealed as she launched herself into his arms. He was startled at first, but quickly dropped his bags and hugged her back tightly.

Once they separated he took a step back to look at his sister. She had brown hair that tumbled in soft waves down to her waist. Her hair wasn’t as curly as Johns, but she did have almost as many freckles as he did. They had the same hazel green eyes, and she was a spitting image of their mother.

“Marty, who told you that you were allowed to grow up?” He joked and she lightly shoved his arm.

“Come on!” She grabbed his hand and led him inside and up the stairs. They stopped by his bedroom and allowed him to drop off his bags. She grabbed his hand again and led him to their fathers study. Once they were outside she hugged him again.

“I’m glad your back Jack.” She said, and he smiled at her. She walked down the hall to her room, leaving him standing outside of his fathers study. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. After he heard a muffled “Come in,” he pushed open to door. His father was sitting at the desk in the middle of the room, and when John entered he looked up and took off his reading glasses.

“Son, its good to see you. Have a seat.” He gestured at one of the chairs that sat in front of his desk. He always felt like a young kid in the principles office whenever he was summoned to his fathers study.

“How is school going?” He asked, leaning back in his chair, looking at John very intensely.

“Very well sir.” He replied, trying to keep his leg from shaking. He always hated being in his fathers study.

“Any chance you’d be willing to change your major to pre-law?” They have had this conversation many times before. His father wanted John to be a lawyer, but he didn’t want that. He wanted to help people, wanted to save people. While John hated disappointing his father, he had to become a doctor. His mother had always encouraged the caretaker side of him. He remembers being about nine, and him and his mother were curled up on the couch watching Doogie Howser, and he looked up at his mother and said ‘I want to do that.’ His mom smiled, and moved the hair out of his face, she replied with ‘you can do anything mijo.’ This is what he wanted, and he wasn’t going to change that to please his father.

“No sir, I want to be a doctor.” His father sighed and put his reading glasses back on, signaling that that was the end of their conversation. He got up and walked out of the study, and once the door was closed, he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. He went back to his room and texted his friends, saying he got there safely.  
  
Dinner that night wasn’t awful. All three Laurens sat at the table, making small talk about school and about Henrys work. It wasn’t the most comfortable meal John had ever had, but it definitely wasn’t the worst. That night when he was lying in bed, he thought that maybe it wouldn’t be that bad this time.

\--

Why did he always have to be wrong? He had been there a total of three days, and he was already ready to leave. He had only seen his father one other time, and had only seen Martha a few times more than that. He rarely saw anyone at all.

He had tried to busy himself with playing video games, but it wasn’t the same without Alex and Laf yelling at each other in rapid French while playing with him. John had caught a few curse words, and he wasn’t really sure if he wanted to know what they were saying. Watching TV wasn’t the same without Eliza there whispering comments in his ear, making him double over with laughter.

He had tried to call Eliza on Tuesday, but when he called she was at a party. The music was so loud that she couldn’t hear him, and so she promised to call him back later, once they were done. She didn’t call at all. He also tried calling Alex, he was missing his voice. The entire Washington crew, including Jefferson and Madison, were camping until Thursday, and there was no cell reception where they were going. He was completely alone for the first time all semester. He had almost forgotten how shitty it felt.

\--

Thanksgiving dinner was Johns breaking point. All three of them were sitting at the table, but they had barley talked all dinner. The only noise was the clanking of the dishes and silverware, and the low voices of the maids asking if they wanted more of anything. John was content to just eat dinner in silence, but his father had other ideas. He cleared his throat and turned to look at John when he started speaking,

“So Jack, do you have a girlfriend?” John almost chocked on the turkey he was eating.

“Um, no sir, I don’t.” John tried to keep his voice steady. He didn’t want to give away how nervous the mention of a girlfriend made him.

“Well why not? You’re a handsome young man, women should be beating down your door.” Henry tried to joke with him, but it only made John feel worse. He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. He set down his fork, his hands were shaking too much to try and eat anymore. He mumbled his response so quietly that his father didn’t hear him.

“You have to speak up Jack.” John took a deep breath, and tried to keep his dinner from coming back up.

“I’m gay dad.” He said looking down at his plate. He didn’t look up and waited for a response. When nothing came he looked up to find his father simply eating his dinner, not even looking at John. _That wasn’t so bad_ , he thought. Maybe he had misjudged his father. Maybe.

“After dinner I am changing you flight, you will go back to New York tonight.” Both Martha and John looked at their father in disbelief. _Fuck_ , he should’ve just kept his mouth shut. John tried to speak, but couldn’t get anything out.

“Dad…” Martha tried to protest, but Henry just held up one hand and cut her off.

“No, he can come back when he gets over whatever phase he is going through right now.” Martha just stared at him with wide eyes. John took a deep breath, and finally protested.  
“It’s not a phase dad, I’m gay and that’s never going to change.” His father wouldn’t even look at him.

“I will not support this kind of behavior in my household, especially around your sister. You can come back when you have seen the error of your ways.” John felt like he couldn’t breathe, felt like someone was sitting on his chest. He got hot, and the room began to spin around him. He closed his eyes, and held back tears that were threatening to spill. He quickly stood up, knocking over his chair, and started to walk away. He needed to get away.

“Jack come back here, we are not done having dinner yet.” His father said to him. John stopped and turned to glare at the back of his fathers head.

“No, if you’re kicking me out then I’m going now.” Henry stood up and turned around to face him. His face was calm, like he didn’t just kick out his son for being gay.

“You do not get to talk to me like that young man, I am still your father and you will do as I say.” He growled. Johns panic was taken over with adrenaline, and he said something he would regret a soon as it came out of his mouth.

“I wish you had died instead of mom.” All of the color drained out of his fathers face, and he heard a glass shatter from being dropped, presumably by Martha. He spun around on his heels and marched up the stairs to his bedroom, slamming his door and locking it. He slid down the door, pulled his knees up to his chest, and let loose the tears he had been holding back. _Thiscantbehappeningthiscantbehappening_

He doesn’t know how long he stayed like that, but once the tears had mostly subsided, he pulled out his phone and tried to call Alex. No answer. He tried Eliza next. No answer. He tried Lafayette. No answer. Hell, he even tried to call Jefferson. No answer. _No one cares_. He threw his phone across the room, and it landing on his bed. He got up and started to pack.

Not long after he had started packing there was knocking at the door. He didn’t answer it, he didn’t want to face his father. He heard a soft voice call from outside his door, “Jack it’s me Martha.” He walked over and opened it, and Martha one again launched herself into his arms. She hugged him tightly for a while, and he relaxed in her grip. When she finally let go, she looked at John sadly.

“I’m so sorry Jacky, but I love you and I’m glad you told me.”

“I love you too.” She smiled sadly at him, and then remembered why she was there. She held out the piece of paper she was holding for John to take. _Oh, his plane ticket_.

“Dad wanted me to give you this. He also wanted to say that even though you can’t come home until you “stop being gay”, he’s not going to stop paying for school. What you said to him was uncalled for, but so was kicking you out so I guess y’all are even.” John hadn’t even considered the fact his dad could very easily pull his funding for school.  
“I’m sorry.” Martha patted his shoulder.

“I know. Call me sometime, you can tell me about all the cute college boys.” John laughed and hugged his sister again. He looked down at his ticket, and his plane leaves in two hours.

“I should probably get going.” He hugged her one more time, it was all worth it if him and Martha could at least go back to how they used to be.

“Bye Jack.”

“Bye Martha.”

John grabbed his bags and went out front, where a car was already waiting to take him to the airport. He was finally going home, to New York. He is going to be alone, everyone had holiday plans and wouldn’t be back till Saturday or Sunday. He was used to the loneliness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just like making John suffer.  
> Don't worry, next chapter things get better.  
> Please comment and tell me what you think!


	9. Chapter 9

On Friday Alex called, but the damage had been done. John didn’t answer, didn’t want to have to explain why he was back in New York. He didn’t want to have to explain why he felt like his soul had been sucked from his body. On Saturday, Alex and Eliza called, but John didn’t answer. He knew he didn’t matter to his friends, so why would he fool himself and talk to them. He got texts from everyone, but didn’t reply to any of them, and just ended up turning his phone off on Saturday night.

Alex came home Sunday afternoon. John was still lying in bed when he arrived, throwing open the door and yelling “Honey I’m home!” and giggling to himself. John didn’t respond, and he heard Alex put his bags down on the floor with a thud. He listened to footsteps approaching his bed, and then felt the bed dip down beside him. There was a hand on his shoulder and when he didn’t respond, Alex spoke again.

“Hey John, what’s wrong?” John turned around and Alexs face was ridden with concern. John gave him a fake smile, and tried to keep his voice level.

“Hey, nothing’s wrong I was just taking a nap.” Alex looked at John like he knew he was lying, but didn’t press him, and he was grateful for that. John sat up, and stretched and smiled at Alex.

“How was your trip?” Alex looked at him inquisitively for a few seconds before sighing and launching into some rant about how Aaron refuses to back him up on anything. John wasn’t really paying attention, he was lost in his own thoughts. What was he to Alex? Were they friends, or were they something more. The kiss they had meant something to John, but did it mean anything to Alex? Was he just convenient, or did he actually like John? He probably didn’t mean anything to Alex, he probably just kissed him out of pity. He couldn’t just sit here and listen to Alex, not when Alex probably didn’t even like him. He had fooled himself into thinking Alex actually cared about him.

“John?” He was pulled out of his thoughts by Alex calling his name. He looked up to find Alex looking at him with a questioning expression on his face.

“What happened, you’ve been acting weird lately.” John scoffed.

“You weren’t there. I needed you and you weren’t there.” Alex looked confused.

“What do you mean? When?” John looked anywhere but Alexs face.

“Over break, I tried calling you and you didn’t answer.”

“When we were camping? We didn’t get service out there I told you that.” Alex put his hand on Johns shoulder but he just shrugged it off.

“I called you on Thursday. I needed you and you weren’t there. Not one of my “friends” was there.” He made sure he dramatically put air quotes around the word “friends”.

“What happened?” Alex sounded concerned, but he was probably faking it. Alex didn’t care about him, no one did.

“I got kicked out. I came out to my father and he told me not to come back until I stopped going through this “phase”. He put me on a plane to New York on Thanksgiving Day. I really needed someone, I needed to talk to anyone, but no one was there. No one answered my calls.” John wiped furiously at the tears that had started to fall from his face. He felt the hand return to his shoulder, and Alex tried to pull him into a hug, but John just moved farther away from him.

“John I-"

“No, I should have known everything was too good to be true ya know? I’m not good enough to have people in my life who actually give a shit about me. I thought maybe you were different, I thought maybe you actually wanted to be with me, but I guess I was wrong. That’s okay, you can find someone better. I thought I could actually be happy for once. I was wrong, I’m always fucking wrong.” John got up and put his shoes on, ignoring Alex trying to get him to stop.

“John ple-”

“Don’t. Just save it, because I’m done, with everything.” With that, John got up and walked out of the door, and as soon as it was closed, broke out into a run. He needed to get out of that building, but even once he was outside he still couldn’t breathe. He looked behind him to see if maybe Alex had followed him, and he saw nothing. Alex didn’t care. No one cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was really really short, and really sad im sorry.  
> I've just been in this weird funk lately, and ive been trying to write and finish this story, but i just came seem to do it.  
> This came out of my projecting my feelings onto our founding fathers  
> Im sorry


	10. Chapter 10

John felt like he couldn’t breathe. His lungs felt like they were collapsing in on themselves and he was hyperventilating in the middle of campus. People had begun to stare at him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He just needed to breathe. Well, he really needed to take a clonazepam but since he couldn’t do that, he just really needed to breathe.

There was nowhere for him to go. He couldn’t go to any of his so called “friends”, they don’t really care about him, and he didn’t feel like fooling himself anymore. By now, Alex had probably already told them that he had gotten kicked out, and they would all probably laugh at him. Even if they did care about him, he had fucked up. He had fucked everything up by blowing up at Alex. If they didn’t hate him then, they probably did now.

John found his feet carrying him towards the library, hoping it would be mostly deserted on a Sunday afternoon. He walked around the stacks of books, trying to find the most isolated place so he could be alone. He didn’t want to be around anyone right now, wanted to simply disappear. He quickly found himself in a part of the library he had never been in before, and sat with his back pushed up against one of the bookshelves.

It was quiet back there, no one was around, and he began to break down. He didn’t like crying and never allowed himself to cry for very long, but couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. He hated himself right now, hated how he just blew up at Alexander. He could’ve just let the façade of them caring about him continue, that would certainly be better than sitting in the library sobbing.

He couldn’t get the sinking feeling out of his gut that no one would care if he died. That he could just disappear, and it wouldn’t matter. Maybe a few people would be sad, Martha would probably miss him, but that was about it. Everyone else would move on, they had lived before he was around and they would continue to live after him. All of his friends were a group before he pushed his way into their lives, they probably didn’t even want him around anymore.

He didn’t know how long he stayed back there, he just stayed until his tears dried. He stayed until he couldn’t feel anything anymore. When he finally heaved himself off the floor and left the library, the sun was setting. He made his way back to his dorm, but standing just outside of the door he heard more than just Alexs voice coming from inside. It sounded like arguing, and John heard his name and he backed away from the door. The closest knit group of people he had ever met was fighting, about him. He just continued to fuck everything up didn’t he?

He couldn’t deal with all of them right now, he didn’t even know how he was going to deal with Alex. He found himself lying on the roof, staring at the stars. Alexander had showed him this place, and he came up here whenever he was feeling down. Lying underneath the stars reminded him that there a millions of people on the planet, looking at these same stars. Millions of lives and stories and struggles. Millions of people who felt exactly like him. Once you get past the existential shit, it was actually quite comforting, to know that he’s not as alone as he lets himself believe sometimes.

He must’ve fallen asleep, because when he opened his eyes the sun was coming up over the horizon. His whole body ached of soreness from sleeping on the roof. He stood up and stretched the sleep from his body. He knew he’d have to face the music sooner or later, and at least if he did it now he could use the excuse of class to get away.

He stood outside of his dorm for longer than he probably should have. It took everything he had to swallow the bile that was rising in his throat and open the door. There were nine bodies scattered all around the room, all in various sleeping positions. John didn’t close the door, he didn’t plan on staying that long. He quietly grabbed a pair of clothes out of his closet, his phone that was sitting on the desk, and his school bag and left again.

He had almost made it to the stairs when he heard someone call his name. He turned around to see Eliza running after him. He was quickly pulled into a hug once she caught up, but he didn’t hug back.

“Where the fuck have you been?” She sounded relived.

“Out.” He didn’t want to talk to her, he didn’t want to talk to anyone. She pulled back from the hug and looked at him. He noted her exaggerated bags under her eyes, and knew he was probably the cause.

“Alex told us what happened honey. We were so worried.” She caressed his cheek with her hand, and it was too sweet. John didn’t deserve her, didn’t deserve someone so sweet. He was such a bother to everyone, he made her lose sleep. He just keeps fucking up everyones lives.

“I’m sorry.” He looked down at his shoes, he couldn’t look her in the eyes anymore.

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I should be the one who is sorry, you needed me and I wasn’t there.”

“You shouldn’t have to stop your life because I’m fucking needy.” He took both her hands and pulled them away from him. He walked away, and went down the stairs, and she didn’t follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is pretty messy, and pretty sad im sorry  
> hopefully i will get out of this funk ive been in lately that makes all of my writing super depressing  
> Comment and tell me what you think!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please look at the tags that have been added.

Avoiding everyone for the rest of the day was easy, as no one had the same major has him. He wasn’t paying attention in any of his classes, he was more focused on how he was never going to be able to face any of his friends again. Now he had blown up on two of his best friends, and he’d never be able to look them in the eye and not be reminded of his insecurities and his failures. So instead of eating lunch with Alex in the corner booth like they normally would, he ducked into the library and buried himself in his school work.

He had made and lost the best friends of his life in a total of 3 months. He never had a group of friends before, he could never escape the pity in peoples eyes because they knew about his mom. When he had come to New York he was determined to escape that. He thought he had, at least for a while. He had this group of people who gave a shit about how he was doing, they had cared about him. At least, he thought they cared. If they had before, they definitely didn’t now. He had been a complete asshole to Alex and Eliza, and he didn’t deserve any of them. He didn’t deserve anything.

He knew what he had to do. He knew the only way he was ever going to change anything, was to end everything. He stood up from the table he was at, shoved everything into his backpack, and practically sprinted out of the library. People would say he was acting rationally, but this was the first clear thought he had had in a while. He made it back to his dorm in record time, racing up the stairs and going into his room. Alex, thankfully, wasn’t there.

He went into the adjoining bathroom they had (it was only a toilet and a sink, the showers were in the common bathroom at the end of the floor) and rummaged through the medicine until he found what his was looking for. He clutched the bottle of pills tightly as he walked back out into the room. He sat down on his bed and pulled out his phone. He typed one quick message into the group chat before turning it off again.

**To: Revolutionary Crew** – I’m sorry. 

He downed the bottle and laid down on his bed, waiting for it all to end. His limbs soon became heavy, and his mind became fuzzy. He smiled, he was ready to see his mom again. Everything faded to black.

\----

_His mom was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. She was standing in front of him, eyes bright and smile wide. Her brown hair cascaded down her back, curls just like his. She was standing in front of a bright, warm light, and she was the only thing he could see. He smiled when he saw her, and ran into her open arms. She giggled, and ran her hands through his hair. He hadn’t even realized he was crying until he pulled back and she wiped away the wetness from under his eyes._

_“I’ve missed you so much mom.” She smiled, but it was sadder this time_.

_“You can’t stay mijo. You have to go back, they need you.” John shook his head vigorously. He didn’t want to go back, he wanted to stay here with her._

_“No, I’m not going back. I’m staying here, with you. I love you I’ve missed you so much.” She hugged him close._

_“My beautiful boy, you have to be strong. There are people there who love you, and your journey with them is not over just yet baby. I love you so much.” She let go of him, and started to walk away. John tried to chase her, but she had disappeared._

_“Mom!”_

_“Mom come back please!”_

\----

The first thing John noticed when he woke up was the burning feeling in his throat. His abdomen was so sore that any small movement sent shooting pains all throughout his chest. He heard the steady beating of a heart monitor, and soon the smell of antiseptic and pine sol hit him. He opened his eyes next, vision blurry at first, but the face of his sister soon came into focus. She was sitting at his bedside, head buried into a thick book. _Why was she here, shouldn’t she be in school right now?_

“Marty?” He croaked out, his voice rough and raw against his sore throat. At the sound of his voice, her head shot up. She looked at him with wide eyes before launching herself into his arms. He held her close to his chest for a few seconds before she pulled away and looked at him.

“I was so scared Jacky, please don’t ever do that to me again.” She wiped away the tears that had begun forming and grabbed his hand, giving it a kiss.

“I’m sorry.” She gave him a sad smiled

“I know, I love you so much. I can’t lose my big brother.”

“I love you too.” They were interrupted by a nurse coming in and writing things down on a chart.

“Hi sweetie, how’re you feeling?”

“My throat is sore, and my chest hurts, but other than that I’m fine.” She walked over to the tray that was pushed up against the far wall and poured water into a plastic cup and handed it to him. He took a few sips from it, the coolness quickly soothing his throat.

“Well, getting your stomach pumped is pretty painful. Everything seems to be normal, and I’m going to assume the overdose was intentional?” John nodded slowly at her, and focused his gaze on his hands. They were fidgeting in his lap, and he was doing everything he could not to shake.

“Okay, so we are required to keep you here for at least 24 hours, and you’re going to get a psych evaluation and the psychologist will recommend what happens next. Understand?” John nodded again, and sipped from his water cup. He looked up from the cup to see the nurse give him a sad smile and then leave the room.

“Jesus fuck.” John turned to look at his sister, he had never heard her curse. She looked at his confused expression and shrugged.

“That was the only appropriate response I could think of.”

“Why are you in New York? Don’t you have school or something?” She just shrugged again.

“I can afford to miss a few days. Dad got a call from the hospital, he’s still your emergency contact. “

“Well then why isn’t he here?” He laughed bitterly. Martha just looked at him sadly.

“He refuses to step foot in a hospital, has since mom died.”

“Right.” When John was 15 and needed stitches after stepping on a piece of glass, his dad made the nanny take John. John didn’t like hospitals either, but that wouldn’t stop him from seeing his son. Martha chewed on her lip, not wanting to continue to defend their father.

“So, there was a boy who has been here and refused to leave until a girl literally dragged him out to go get coffee.” She wiggled her eyebrows at him. John must’ve looked confused, but a few seconds later Alex burst into the room, followed by Eliza. Alex launched himself into Johns arms in the same way Martha had, and Eliza just took a seat on the opposite side of the bed that Martha was sat at. Martha looked at them and stood up, “Uh, I’m gonna go get coffee.” She quickly left the room, leaving the three of them alone.

Alex pulls away from the hug and starts planting kisses all around Johns face. When he stopped John noticed he had tears running down his face, and John wiped them away with his thumb.

“You don’t hate me?”

“Why would I hate you?” John just shrugged at Alexs question. He had yelled at him, he didn’t understand why Alex didn’t hate him.

“John, I will spend every minute of every day reminding you just how much I care about you. I definitely do not hate you. ” John pulled Alexs face towards his and kissed him. Alex smiled into the kiss, and was eager to kiss back. They were pulled back to reality when Eliza loudly cleared her throat. Alex moved to hop off of the bed, but John just wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and held him close to his chest, refusing to let him go.

“John Laurens I swear to god if you scare any of us like that again I will kill you myself.” John just smiled at Eliza, and reached one of his hands out, and she grabbed a hold of it and he squeezed.

John looked around at his room for the first time since waking up, and noticed it was filled with things. There were tons of bouquets of flowers and stuffed animals, with cards sticking out of them.

“Who are all of these from?” Eliza and Alex looked around the room, and then looked back at John.

“They’re from everyone.” _Everyone?_ People cared about him? He didn’t know how to respond to that. He thought he was so alone, he thought no one cared about him anymore. Apparently, he had been very wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.  
> Please comment and tell me what you think.


	12. Chapter 12

After a mandatory 72 hour stay in the psychiatric unit of the hospital, and future appointments made with a therapist, John was finally on his way home. Eliza was one of the only people John knew who owned a car, so she and Alexander picked him up when he got released. John had opted to sit in the back with Alex so they could hold hands, and he couldn’t wait to get back to their dorm and just cuddle with his boyfriend.

_Boyfriend_. That was a word John had never used before, but they both decided that they wanted to be with each other. John was taken aback by just how infatuated Alex was with him, he had never had anyone want to be with him like that. He had never had anyone care about him as much as Alex did. John wasn’t okay, but with Alexander by his side he was willing to try to be.

Alex invited Eliza to come up with them when they arrived at the dorm, and so she followed behind them as they walked. When they opened the door, John was surprised to find all of their friends scattered around their dorm. Aaron, Angelica and Peggy were sitting on his bed, under a big sign that said ‘We’re glad you didn’t die’ followed by a big smiley face. Thomas and James were cuddled together on Alexanders bed, while Laf and Herc were on the floor watching something on Lafs phone.

When they walked in, Peggy jumped up and attacked John in a bear hug. Angelica and Aaron quickly followed and soon John was being hugged by all of his friends. When they finally let go, John was a little bit teary-eyed. He looked around and saw that blankets and pillows were set up in front of the TV.

“What’s all this?” John asked looking at all of his friends.

“We’re gonna watch Zootopia.” Alex said, grabbing his boyfriends hand and leading him over to the blankets. The rest of the group followed, and Laf pressed play on the movie. Cuddled in between his best friends and his boyfriend, watching an adorable kids movie, was probably the happiest John had ever been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is like, 400 words im sorry its so short i just havent been feeling very mentally stable lately, and i dont really know how to continue this story.   
> I have like one more chapter planned, but i dont know when it'll be up so just hold tight.  
> I love your comments and they motivate me to write, because i dont want to disappoint y'all, so please commenting!


	13. Chapter 13

The rest of the semester went by in a blur for John. His therapist puts him on Zoloft, and the weeks following began to get better. His panic eased, and with his friends by his side, he was starting to be happier. Alexander was an amazing boyfriend, and the pair became even more inseparable than they were before.

Finals came and went, and winter break crept up on John quicker than he expected. Martha had told him that his father was allowing him to come home for break, but he couldn’t do it. While he missed his sister, he couldn’t face the man who kicked him out for being gay. He made sure to mail Martha her Christmas present so it would get to her in time. It was a scarf that Herc had helped him knit.

John had been planning on just staying in the dorms for break, but when Alex learned of that plan, he convinced John to go home with him for break. Everyone except for Herc and the Schuylers were going to be there anyway, and Alex insisted they would have plenty of space for him. John was understandably nervous, he was going to meet his boyfriends parents for the first time.

After a short plane ride, and a long drive in a rental car, the 6 teenagers pulled up to a massive house, and John immediately figured out how the Washington’s were able to send 3 kids to Columbia at the same time. The house that was in front of them was twice the size of Johns, but it evoked a different feeling inside of him when they pulled up. There was a collective feeling of excitement in the car, rather than dread, which was all John felt when he was going home.

When Aaron brought the car to a stop, Laf immediately jumped out and ran into the arms of the women standing on the front porch, loudly exclaiming “Maman!”

Alex squeezed Johns hand before climbing out of the backseat and launching himself into the arms of the man standing there. Aaron turned off the car and grabbed his bags out of the trunk before going over to hug his parents as well. Thomas and James followed Aarons lead, and left John alone, still in the car. He took a deep breath before opening the door, and grabbing his bag out of the trunk. He slowly made his way over to the family, who were all chatting happily.

When Alex noticed John standing there, his eyes lit up and walked over to his boyfriend and pulled him towards his parents.

“Mom, dad, this is my boyfriend John.” John held out his hand for his mom, Martha, to shake, but she grabbed it and pulled him for a hug instead. She smelled like cinnamon and vanilla, and John immediately relaxed in her grip. John had just met this woman, and yet he already felt safe with her. When she finally pulled back, she smiled sweetly at him, and pushed a loose curl behind his ear.

“It’s so wonderful to finally meet you John. Alex talks about you every time he calls us.” John could see Alex blush from the corner of his eyes, and smiled at Martha.

“Nice to meet you too Mrs. Washington, I’ve heard nothing but good things about you, from all of your boys.”

“Please, call me Martha sweetie.” John nodded at her, and turned to face George. He was an intimidating man, the only one of them taller than him was Laf, and that wasn’t by much. He shook Johns hand, and John marveled at how strong he actually was.

“Nice to meet you son, please call me George.” John nodded and smiled at George

“I don’t know about yall, but how about we head inside before we turn into ice sickles?” Martha asked, heading inside, with everyone following behind her. When they walked into the house, John was immediately hit with warmth and the smell of cookies. John followed Alex up to his room, and looked at all the pictures lining the walls of the staircase. There were pictures of everything, from George and Marthas wedding photos, to all three boys wearing Mickey Mouse ears at Disneyworld. John smiled at the one of Alex, asleep on a plate of pancakes at the kitchen table.

When they finally entered Alexs room, John smiled at just how Alex it was. One of the walls was completely lined with bookshelves that were stuffed with books, a huge queen-sized bed on the opposite wall with a big homemade quilt on top of it. There was a large dark wooden desk pushed up against the wall that was lined with windows, a big desktop computer sat there with sticky notes stuck all along the edges of it and had papers scattered all over it.

“You haven’t lived here in 5 months, how is it just as messy as your dorm.” John asked, setting his bags down on Alexs bed. Alex just laughed at his observation.

“I don’t know if you noticed, but I don’t clean, and mom refuses to clean my room.”

“Why?”

“She claims that it’s because she doesn’t want to accidentally misplace something, but I think it gives the illusion that I still live here.” Alex smiled sadly when he said that. John walked over and wrapped his arms around his boyfriends waist. Alex leaned back into his touch and sighed.

“That’s sweet, she just misses y’all.”

“Speaking of which, we should probably go spend some time with her.” Alex pulled out of his hug, grabbed his hand, and pulled him out of his room. They walked down the stairs, right behind Aaron. Once Aaron reached the bottom Alex immediately launched himself onto Aarons back. Aaron stumbled forward a little before falling over completely because of Alexs unexpected wait throwing off his balance. They landed on the ground with a crash, and John started to rush forward but stopped when he saw Alex rolling around on the ground laughing and Aaron just glaring at his brother.

“Boys!” he heard a loud women’s voice come from somewhere unseen, and both boys quickly got to their feet, yelling “Sorry mom!” in unison. Something tells John that this isn’t the first time that had happened. They continue to make their way through the house and into the kitchen, where there was a plate of fresh chocolate chip cookies lying on the bar. Alex practically sprinted over to the plate and grabbed one, shoving it in his mouth while sitting down at the bar. John copied him, but with much less enthusiasm, an almost moaned at how good the cookies were. Aaron grabbed a glass of water before sitting down on the other side of Alex, not getting a cookie, but just watching as Martha maneuvered her way around the kitchen, cooking a feast. Alex was reaching for another cookie when Martha smacked his hand away.

“Nu-uh, you’ll spoil your dinner Andy,” Alex let out an over dramatic sigh as he reached over and grabbed Aarons glass of water, chugging half of it before giving it back to an annoyed Aaron. When Alex turned back to John, he just raised an eyebrow at the nickname Martha had used.

“Andy?” Alex rolled his eyes.

“Jack?” John raised his hand in surrender, not wanting to be called his nickname by anyone other than Marty.

“Okay boys, why don’t you round up the rest of the clan and we’ll have dinner.” The three of them complied, and went to everyone’s rooms, telling them it was time for dinner. They sat around the table, having the best home cooked meal John has had in a long time, laughing about the shenanigans that everyone (read: Alex) had gotten into over the semester. John felt like he had finally found a place where he belonged. He had found his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it!! Its over!  
> I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as i loved writing it.  
> Please, check out my other fics!   
> Thank y'all so much <3


End file.
